


Outlaws Of Love

by xIIHY4lyfx



Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Fluff and Angst, Forbidden Love, M/M, Prison, Romance, Verbal Abuse, Violence
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2013-03-24
Updated: 2013-08-12
Packaged: 2017-12-06 07:19:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,550
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/732932
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xIIHY4lyfx/pseuds/xIIHY4lyfx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Adam was framed for a crime he didn't commit. Now stuck in prison, he has nothing left to live for. But a new cell-mate may be able to change that... Can this Outlaw of Love beat the odds and find happiness?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Framed

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!! So this is the first chapter. Please please please let me know if this is good enough to be continued! And give me reviews so I know what to improve. :)

_"We find the defendant... Guilty." I froze hearing that last word as it cut through the silence of the Courtroom, which was followed by a wave of gasps and sighs. It seemed strange that it was a small squeak from of an insignificant jury member which condemned my future. I had thought that if I was sentenced to 20 to life, the voice that sealed my fate would be more menacing. Even so, my blood ran cold. I could hear my heart pounding in my ears as the rest of the room went silent as they watched. The loud thud of the Judge's hammer made me jump, echoing in my head , bouncing around like a freaking basketball._

_I glanced over to see my lawyer packing her briefcase as she stood, she looked at me sympathetically. I turned away, not wanting her pity. I felt eyes on me coming from all directions, glares and shock combined. Usually I loved the attention, but not like this... They hated me. I began to think of how tempting a nice rock for me to crawl under sounded when I noticed a policewoman coming towards me with a pair of handcuffs and I knew what that meant. My head was on fire, my heart still pounding madly. This was it. The policewoman roughly cuffed my hands behind my back, and as she walked me out of the Courtroom, whispered in my ear: "It's only the rest of your life"._

****

"NOOOOOOOO!" I woke myself with a loud scream and sat up dazed, wiping away the beads of sticky sweat moistening my ebony fringe. Every single night since that nightmare was reality I had relived it, as though my mind was tormenting me. Maybe I liked the pain, I thought shuddering.

I glanced at the clock to my right, it read: 4:47am. Great. Another day running on just four hours of sleep. I could probably drift off again if I wanted to, but honestly, I couldn't face that dream again. Not twice in one night.

I pulled myself up into a sitting position, and reached for my notebook hidden secretly under my bed. It wasn't illegal to have one or anything, but if anyone found mine, I really don't know what would happen. I'm pretty sure coming out in prison immediately gets you beaten up... Or worse. I grimaced, trying not to think about it.

As I opened the notebook, a newspaper article I found when I was first sentenced fell into my lap. ' _The Slasher Brought To Justice_.' Even though I didn’t want to read, it was like my eyes had a will of their own.

' _Serial Murderer Adam Lambert has been found guilty in a Court of Law and sentenced to life in prison. Mr Lambert, 30, dubbed_ The Slasher _due to his brutal method of killing, faced trial last Saturday at the Superior Court. The families of the 7 victims will now be able to rest easier knowing that this vicious murderer is behind bars.'_ I gritted my teeth, and shoved it back in the blank pages of my notebook. Bringing my pencil down, I began to write, letting my hopelessness and anger flow onto the page.

****

_Strip away the flesh and bone_

_Look beyond the lies you’ve known_

****

Like I hoped the Jury would look beyond the “evidence” that was stacked against me.

 

_Everybody wants to talk about a freak_

_No one wants to dig that deep_

****

The newspapers selling the story they were given like puppets.

****

_Let me take you underneath._

****

A single tear hit the page.  I quickly closed the book to stop the lyrics getting smudged.

The moonlight shone through the bars on the window, casting half of my face in shadow. The concrete walls, the leaky tap, the faint smell of blood that was somehow always present under the harsh chemical smell of bleach. This was going to be where I grow old.

Alone, in the darkness, I waited for the yellow light of dawn.

****

*****

Sitting down in the cold metal chair, I picked up the phone, giving a half-hearted but genuine smile to the person behind the glass screen in front of me. It was visiting day, and Tommy was the only visitor I ever got. He smiled back at me, unconvincingly. I could see the concern in his eyes. No wonder- I bet I looked awful.

"Hey man,” Tommy greeted trying to act as normal as possible, but his easy style of speech faltered slightly.

“Tommy,” I acknowledged him with a slight nod, “how’re things out there?”

“Good, good. Your mom’s still in remission. She got sent home from the hospital last Tuesday.” I breathed a sigh of relief. One less thing I had to worry about.

“How are **—** “

“Before you ask, I’m not fine. But the sooner I can get out of this hellhole, the better.” I said optimistically.

“Adam, about that,” He started, his gaze shifting to his hands. “clearing your name might be harder than we thought.”

I frowned slightly as my heart began to pound. I waited for him to continue but he seemed to be struggling to get words out. Eventually, he sighed.

“There’ve been no more murders since you were… put in here. Which means you look even more guilty. I’m sorry man. Maybe this guy saw it as an opportunity to frame you.”

I felt my blood begin to boil. Whoever this guy was, he was seriously sick. First he murdered 7 innocent people, and then used me as a scapegoat? Anger was blinding my senses, and even though I knew it wasn’t Tommy’s fault, I snapped.

“So there’s nothing you can do?!”

“No, not noth **—** ” He tried to reassure me.

“I thought you said you believed me? I thought you said you would help!”

“I’m trying, man **—** “

“WELL YOU’RE NOT TRYING HARD ENOUGH! I’M THE ONE STUCK IN HERE! YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT IT’S LIKE, OKAY? YOU GET TO GO HOME AFTER THIS.”

“Dude, calm down!” Tommy said alarmed, glancing anxiously at the guards

“DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO! YOU KNOW WHAT, JUST LEAVE.”

He looked at me, not knowing what to do.

“Leave Tommy.” My voice was harsh. He stood up following my orders, and began to walk away. Not looking back once. I slammed the phone back against its holder on the wall as hard as I could, grimacing as it bounced back and fell beside me hanging from its wire. Before I had time to stand a hand fell sternly on my shoulder, yanking me from my chair. I was pushed back through the door brought back to reality. The door slammed shut behind me with a thud, and I took some deep breaths to try to calm myself down. If I went to the jail courtyard feeling like I was feeling now I would probably end up picking a fight with someone twice my size, and getting my ass kicked. Once the anger had subsided though, the hopelessness, loneliness and realization took over. I was stuck in here for life, and there was nothing I could do to change that.

 


	2. Alone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soooo, this is the second chapter. Tell me what you think!!

Fresh air hit my face, and I welcomed it into my lungs as I stepped out to the crowded jail courtyard. Clouds were forming above me, threatening to rain on my already damp emotions. They added to my grey surroundings, making everything blur together.

I approached the nearest empty table I could find, sitting down at it quietly. It was situated far enough away from the major groups of prisoners that I would probably go unnoticed. Conflict was one thing I really didn't need, nor wanted.

I began to play with a piece of thread on my sleeve, but when I realized I was actually entertained by it, I immediately stopped. Is this what my life had come to? Finding amusement from a thread?

As I looked back up, my gaze was met by two men walking towards me grinning. They definitely weren't tough looking, scrawny even, but something told me they weren't just coming to say hello. Oh, joy. I clenched my jaw and watched them as they approached.

"Look who it is." The taller one snickered looking me up and down. "The infamous Slasher!" He chuckled sarcastically.

"He doesn't look like a murderer,” the other one began. "Just one of those emo loners."

I scowled at them, saying nothing.

"Cat got your tongue, Slasher?” I remained mute, to their frustration.

“Coward."

They were trying to get a reaction out of me. Assholes.

”Somebody ought to Slash you.” They began to laugh. My dismay was comedic to them.

Still, I remained silent, glaring at them.

The first one looked away, his eyes darting around the courtyard **—** looking for the non existing guards most likely **—** before focusing back on me, an evil smirk appearing. He took a step closer and I knew what was coming. This wasn’t the first time since I’d been in here. I closed my eyes and instantly felt a surge of pain in my jaw as my head was whipped sideways by his small fist. The impact wasn’t hard; I’d been hit worse. But I knew it would probably leave a bruise. Just another battle scar I guess. I opened my eyes slowly cringing as my mouth began to throb.

The prisoner now grinning in success at the lesson he just taught me, began to walk off, his sidekick following closely behind. "What a freak... Weirdo."

I could hear them taunt as they got further away.

_Slasher... slasher..._

Was this my fate? To be forced to respond to a name that I didn’t deserve, that I’d done _nothing_ to deserve, until I died? I had already gone through this sort of torment when I came out. My family were very accepting, but I had soon found that not everyone in this word was quite so liberal. I got all the usual names: Queer, faggot, homo etc. but they still stung. I never knew anyone could be so small minded, or judge someone based solely on their orientation, but I guess people could surprise you. Now once again I was an outsider stuck in a world where I didn’t belong, where nobody understood me or even bothered to try.

Odds were I would be stuck in here all my life, in this concrete hell, completely and utterly alone. There was no escaping it. I wondered how long it would be before I started to lose my mind, my sanity. My eyes clouded up at the thought. Blinking away the forming tears, I turned slightly so no one could see my face. Looking out through the wired gates, which were now in my full view, I saw a holding truck pull up.

A group of police officers made their way out of the truck, flooding into the prison. I could just make out a blond-headed figure amongst the small sea of uniforms as they disappeared into the front wing of the main building.  A new prisoner? Hey, maybe I wouldn’t be the fresh meat here anymore. A glimmer of hope made its way into my head, dissolving the depressing feelings I had moments earlier.

Eager to see the new prisoner, I turned to the doors on my right. A few moments later, as expected, the blond walked into the courtyard.

He stood near the entrance with a slight smile on his face. Was he actually _happy_ to be here? He must be delusional or something. I observed him carefully, somewhat mesmerized with him as he stood there examining the many gangs that had colonized the grounds, as though he was making his mind up about which one to join. He walked over to the largest group claiming the middle of the courtyard. I watched in amazement as he quickly became engrossed in a conversation arising with a few of the men.

As he stood next to them, I noticed how short he was. How could somebody so tiny have so much confidence? It made me wonder what he’d done to get in such a soul-sucking place like this... And why he seemed to enjoy being here. I wanted to warn him not to be a part of those psycho clans. I’d seen what they did to people when the guards’ backs were turned. I heard the screams at night when I couldn’t sleep. Nobody really knew what jail was like until they experienced it firsthand.

My eyes trailed the blond’s petite figure, following his sleeve of tattoos, up beyond his neck, and to his face. His strong cheekbones highlighted his face, which was painted with faded freckles. My gaze went to his eyes, and I was lost in the blue ocean that sparkled like glitter, so full of life. I was captivated by his beauty.

As if the blond sensed my stare, he looked up, still talking to the giant next to him, and our eyes locked. He smiled slightly at me, which sent a shiver down my spine. I was a deer in the headlights. I usually wasn’t like this. What was wrong with me? Great, now I’d even lost my cool. Embarrassed, I looked down, breaking our eye contact.

Why did I even act like that? It’s not like he could ever like me. He’s probably one of those homophobic jerks, just like the rest of the people here.

It was high school all over again.

  


 

*****

****

There was a cold, dark atmosphere setting the mood of my cell as I lay trying to relax on my bed. I gazed up at the thin metal bars supporting the empty bunk above me. They reflected the same iron curtains draping the door and window of my cell.I had no idea how lonely it would be in jail. The silence was actually tangible. It was bitter and sour. I had to remind myself not to mutter out loud. I really didn’t wanna become one of those bipolar people with split personalities. Like Gollum and Smeagol. I would probably be less lonely with somebody else to talk to… someone who wouldn’t judge me… even if it was a made up person; A figment of my imagination. Maybe being crazy could be fun.

I caressed my now red jaw, rubbing it in pain. This was the third time I had been targeted since I first came here. Did I have a bull’s eye on me or something? I let out a small sigh.

I was about to reach for my notebook to get out of my own head, when two police officers appeared outside the cell door. Shocked and confused, I jumped up from my bed and stood straight. I might as well make a good impression on them. They were after all, like my new puppet masters. There would be no point in trying to disobey them— unless I wanted hell.

I kept my head low, not knowing what to do when the tallest officer began to speak.

“Prisoner 1877, Adam Lambert?” he began. In here, we were mainly known by numbers. The other officer brought up his keys and began to unlock the cell door. Suspense began to build inside of me. Was I going to be let out? Did Tommy come through for me?! I looked up at the main officer, trying to read his face as the door etched its way open.

“You have a new cell mate.”

Confusion painted my expression as my eyes wandered to the prisoner making his way into my cell.

It was the blond from the courtyard.

 


	3. Cellmates

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> R.E.V.I.E.W.S P.L.E.A.S.E :)

We stood awkwardly as the guards closed the cell door and returned down the empty corridor.  
“Hey, I’m Sauli,” he greeted, smiling as he looked around my... I mean, our cell. I could hear he had a strong accent, but I didn’t know where from.  
Clearly showing my annoyance of him being my new cell-mate, I frowned and returned to my bed. If I ignored him for long enough, maybe he would just disappear. I stared at the wall in front of me, not acknowledging him in the slightest, but apparently, he was determined to make me talk.  
“What’s the matter?” He laughed. “Are you mute or something?”  
Why the heck was he even talking to me? He’d seen me at the courtyard so he had to know I was just another “emo loner”. He’d get bored of trying soon.  
“Come oooon, if we’re going to be cell-mates, we might as well get along, right?” He had a point, but that didn’t change anything. He’d probably try to make me join his new gang if we started talking, and that wouldn’t happen in a million years.  
Out of the corner if my eye, I could see him walking closer. He was probably about to hit me, like that earlier guy. I was beginning to rethink the whole no talking thing.  
I felt his touch on my arm, and I quickly flinched, sliding closer to the wall next to me and looking up at his confused face.  
“Whoa, I’m not gonna rape you. Jeez.”  
I realized how pathetic my actions were. He must have thought I was a total baby.  
“I’m not some weak little kid!” I assured him… and myself. “Just fucking leave me alone!”  
I turned back to the blank wall, shooting daggers at it in my mind. Finally, he backed away and climbed up onto his new bunk. We sat in silence, feeling the blanket of tension covering the cell. I thought I’d be better off lonely. With him in here, I couldn’t even use my notebook. All I could do was sit and wait.

 

Night slowly began to set in, replacing the warm sunlight with an eerie darkness. My eyes felt heavy as I began to relax, molding myself into my bed. This was my favorite time of the day, the most peaceful. I heard a quiet yawn from the bed above me and was slightly shocked. For a second, I had forgotten there was another person in here. Closing my eyes, I wondered how long this feeling of contentment would last. Not long, knowing my luck. I began to slip into dreams, escaping the harsh world around me.

I jolted upright, gasping for air, and muffling a scream with my hand as I awoke from my recurring nightmare at the usual time of night. The cell, although still dark, was illuminated by the distant glow of security lighting around the perimeter of the prison.

I reached under my bed and grabbed my notebook, flicking to the next empty page. I opened my mouth, ready to sing my emotions, when I remembered I wasn’t alone. Shit. The one time of the day that I could actually do something I enjoyed, and now that too had been ripped away from me. All because of Sauli. Why did I have to get a new cellmate anyway? Was this the universe’s way of punishing me? At least he was attractive and not some thug with no hair. I always had a soft spot for blonds. And you know… maybe I would warm up to him soon. He seemed like a nice person, even if he was hanging out with the scariest guys in here.

No. I couldn’t fall for him. Not in here. This was the one place in the world where love could never exist. Pushing those thoughts about him far out of my mind, I began silently writing lyrics.

 

_I’ve been standing here my whole life_   
_Everything I’ve seen twice_

 

This was it. Forever.

 

_Now it’s time I realize_   
_It’s spinning back around now_

 

What could I do? Nothing.

 

_On this road I’m crawling_   
_Save me cause I’m falling_

Anyone. Please.

 

*****

 

I stood in line, impatiently waiting to get my lunch. A cold metal tray remained weightless in my hands. I had arrived late to the prison cafeteria, so naturally I was last to line up. My stomach rumbled quietly as I caught a brief whiff of the food. I wondered what was on the menu today. We usually had sandwiches which were actually pretty good. If there was one thing I didn’t mind in here, it was the food.

When I was finally near the front of the line, I saw that we weren’t having sandwiches. Instead, there was a mysterious meat sauce substance and fries. Just my luck.  
I watched with a grimace as the meat slopped onto my tray and a scoop of fries was placed messily next to it. I then turned around to find a place to sit. I scanned the room in hope, but there were no empty tables in sight. I contemplated just leaving, even though my stomach was screaming at me to eat something. Anything. Even this processed road kill was starting to look appetizing.  
Before I could make up my mind, somebody caught my eye. I saw Sauli in the middle of his new gang, laughing and having a great time. I didn’t understand him. He’d arrived here yesterday, and was already popular. If this were high school, I would be the drama geek, and he would be the jock that was forced to be lab partners with me… Or something along those lines.

Sauli looked up and saw me. He smiled and beckoned for me to join his table. I stared at him in shock. Did he really expect me to sit with _them_? I threw a disgusted look his way, but instantly regretted it when I realized that he wasn’t the only one from that table looking at me. The entire gang had now turned to see me, a small terrified mouse who has just been spotted by ten cats. This was not good. I watched as Sauli said something to them before standing and walking towards me.  
“What the fuck?” Sauli said sharply. “Do you want to get killed or something?! Why did you pull that face at them?” He gestured toward the gang. They looked like vultures about ready to circle their prey.  
“You’re kidding right?! Why did you try to get me to sit with them! Why do YOU even sit with them? They’ll probably end up killing you or making you kill someone!” I didn’t want a scene, but more and more prisoners overheard us and quickly began to watch.  
“Fuck you! Why do you care?! You don’t even like me,” he retorted.  
“Well, fine! Do whatever you freaking want. I DON’T care.” I gritted my teeth, returning the glare I was met with. I was too preoccupied being angry to notice Sauli flicking his hand up, in one swift motion. It collided with my tray and sent the contents flying all over me. I looked down at my now ruined attire, horrified at the runny meat dripping down my shirt. Oh real mature.

Laughter broke out all around the cafeteria and I began to turn red in result of a mixture of embarrassment and anger. That was the last straw.  
I brought my hands up and shoved them against Sauli’s chest, making him stumble backwards, but he was back in front of me in a second. He half-ran, half-jumped towards me, tackling me to the hard ground and was immediately on top of me, looking down angrily. Even though we were in front of such a big crowd and I was so mad at him, some strange part of me was really turned on by this. Shit. Not now.  
I felt myself getting hard underneath Sauli, who was straddling me, trying to hold me down. I began to panic, trying to think of anything other than Sauli on top of me, but nothing worked. What if everyone saw my... problem? They would all know I was gay. I started to struggle under Sauli trying to get him off of me before he felt my stiffness. I had underestimated how strong he was, and despite his size, I couldn’t get free. He brought up one of his arms, which only amplified the cheers, but before he could punch me, two officers intervened. They dragged Sauli off of me, and I took that chance to get up again. I grabbed the small food tray off of the ground beside me, covering my crotch with it. I could imagine how suspicious this looked, but I guess it was better than them seeing what was behind it. I awkwardly began to waddle backwards, away from the rest of the crowd whose attention was fixed on Sauli. Another officer approached me, grabbed my arm and began to drag me out of the cafeteria. Thank fuck I was out of there.

Did that really just happen? I started a fight with Sauli- A guy I barely knew- and got hard over him. I wanted to slap myself for being so reckless and stupid. This would not happen again, I told myself.


	4. Progress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weeeeell, I am SO sorry for not uploading for so long! First, I didn't wanna continue it because of the whole breakup thing ;( But then I decided I should. Then school got sooooo busy. Okay, enough excuses x) Tell me what you all think? I'll try be a little faster for chapter 5. ;)

The minutes passed by like hours as I sat in a small room waiting. I wasn’t exactly sure who I was waiting for—an officer maybe— but whoever it was, they were really taking their time. I had been brought here straight from the cafeteria after my fight with Sauli and was left isolated in the tiny office, with the occasional guard walking past to check up on me.

Looking around, I saw nothing but stacks of paperwork messily spread on top of the desk in front of me, a small picture frame peaked out from under the masses of brown paper files and I could see two small faces smiling brightly. I leaned over to get a better view, and began to reach out for it when I heard the door open behind me. Quickly standing, I spun around to see three men in uniforms entering the room followed by Sauli.

I sat back down as I watched the oldest looking officer make his way behind the desk, almost knocking over a stack of folders in the process. He sat in his chair with a slouch and looked at me with a permanent frown indented in his face, and then turned to Sauli who was now seated next to me.

“You’ve been here one day and are already causing trouble.” The officer said with a harsh tone. “If this happens again, there will be serious consequences” Yeah right. I almost laughed at his empty threat.

“I mean it. If you two don’t sort out whatever bad blood there is between you two, I will have to deal with it personally.” He looked at me and then to Sauli. “So you better figure something out, and quick.” His eyes burnt as he fixed his gaze on me, waiting for one of us to speak.

“Move me to a new cell!” I said abruptly. Once I realized I had actually spoken out loud, I knew I had to stick with it. “I... Move me to a different cell. That way we won’t have to be around each other.” I was trying to convince the officer, but his dull expression didn’t change.

“I’m sorry. You can’t be moved just because you want to, even if you have a problem with your cellmate. It doesn’t work like that.” I frowned in anger. Give me a break, life. “Besides, the only other place even available is solitary confinement. Every other cell is taken right now.” I momentarily saw a dim light at the end of the tunnel.

“Okay! I’ll go there!” I began optimistically, but that light was quickly snuffed out.

“I’m sorry,” he replied, now looking tired, “that’s just not possible. This isn’t up for discussion, Mr. Lambert.” I slouched back in my seat and crossed my arms with a huff. I bet I looked like a little kid, but I didn’t care. I was going to be stuck with Sauli.

****

I glanced over at him. He was frowning at the ground, not saying a word about the issue. I guess I was going to have to be the better man.

“Okay, fine.” I sighed deeply looking at him. “Since there are no other options, we should at least try to not hate each other.” Sauli looked at me and nodded slightly in agreement. I turned back for the head officers approval. He seemed almost relieved, as though this was the hardest part of his day which was soon going to be behind him. If only we all had it that easy.

“Well then,” He spoke. “I guess that problem’s sorted.” For how long, I wondered. “But this better not happen again. Got it? Officers, escort these prisoners back to their cell,” the head officer ordered.

“Oh and Lambert,” I looked up at him waiting for his next words. “You should probably change your clothes.” I glanced at my filthy attire. You don’t say.

****

I sat down at the edge of my bed and watched as Sauli climbed to his. I thought back to when we first met, and how friendly he had been. Wow, I really was a jerk, wasn’t I? But in my defense, being in jail kind of gives you trust issues. One thing that I still really didn’t understand was why he willingly joined that gang. I mean, surely he had to know what he was getting himself into, right? Why would he _want_ that? I guess if I wanted answers, I would have to ask for them.

“Sauli?” I said quietly, not sure what his reaction to my question would be. “I was just wondering something... Why did you join that gang when you first arrived?” I held my breath waiting for his answer, but he said nothing. I guess he was ignoring me. I don’t blame him; I would too if I was in his position. It was silly of me to think he would tell me anyway, I guess I could kiss that friendship – or whatever it could have been – goodbye.

****

A few days later, and Sauli still hadn’t spoken a word to me. He barely looked at me even though we shared a tiny cell. This was getting so stupid. Was he really going to ignore me forever? Maybe if I confronted him and _made_ him listen to my apology, then he might accept it so we could move on.

Just as that thought emerged, Sauli came back from the courtyard and began to climb up to his bed. Now was my chance.

“Sauli,” I began, gaining no response from him. “Listen to me! I’m sorry for how we first met, okay?” He stopped climbing and glanced over at me. “Look, I shouldn’t have been so cold to you. It was stupid of me when you were being nice. I really am sorry.” Sauli stepped down from the ladder and walked over to where I was standing.

“Oh! So now everything’s perfectly okay between us just because you apologised? Now we can be best friends! Yay!” he bantered sarcastically to my surprise.

“Whoa, what?! I told you I was wrong, so why won’t you just accept my apology?” I demanded. I needed answers. Why was he being so stubborn?

“You’re so contradicting! First you don’t want anything to do with me, now you want to be friends?!” Sauli raised his voice, now getting angry. “You’re so stupid!” He pouted.

“ _I’m_ being stupid?! You’re the one who hates me purely because I didn’t want to have a cellmate!” So much for trying to get along. “You’re such a jerk!” I gritted my teeth. Now I actually was getting mad. I frowned at him angrily, waiting for another childish response, but instead, something in his eyes changed, like he was realizing something. I watched him as he glanced up at me for a split second before beginning to laugh.

I was so confused. Who the heck starts laughing in the middle of an argument?!

“Why are you laughing?! This isn’t funny!” I growled, completely puzzled. But that only made him laugh harder. This guy was insane for sure.

I was about to start shaking him to make him stop, but his laugh was so... Infectious. We were being really silly. I looked at Sauli, and couldn’t contain it any longer. A grin began to expand over my face, lighting up the entire room. I had no idea I even had any joy left inside of me, but it must have been building up. I just had to let it out. A small chuckle escaped from my mouth, and quickly grew louder into a warm and deep bellow. Sauli looked at me and began to smile larger, noticing that I had gotten his reasoning.

This felt great.

I clutched my stomach, my cheeks now hurting from the smile that had infected my face like an amazing disease. Realizing the ridiculousness of two grown men laughing in their jail cell together after having an argument, I decided to break the laughter.

“Why were we even fighting?!” I rubbed my cheeks, a small smile still radiating off of my face.

“I don’t even know!” Sauli replied still laughing slightly.

“We were both being such idiots. I’m sorry!” I told him.

“No, I’m the one who should be sorry. I was so rude.” I shook my head, laughing it off.

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.” I walked to the side of my bed and sat down comfortably. Sauli jumped down next to me grinning.

“Hi! My name is Sauli, and I’m your new cellmate.” He introduced himself, holding out his hand. A fresh start. I shook his hand enthusiastically.

“I’m Adam!” I said in a goofy voice which made Sauli laugh again.

Maybe we could be friends after all.

 


	5. Bonding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello!! Sorry for the delay, my laptop broke so I had to upload this at school. Hahhaha. To apologize, you all get 2 chapters. :D Um, yeah. Tell me what you think?!

“It’s only the rest of your life…”

The words echoed in my mind, sending searing fear through my veins. I screamed, “Help!” breaking the silence of night, and jerked upright, trying to escape the terrors of my dream. I breathed out a sigh and released the handfuls of sheets I’d been gripping in my sleep. My hands were now throbbing from the sudden looseness. I was about to reach for my notebook when I heard a slight groan coming from Sauli’s bed. Shit. I must’ve woken him when I’d screamed.

“Adduummmmmm?” Sauli called out, sleep slurring his speech. Should I answer? Crap...

“Umm.... Yeah?” I asked, letting him know I was awake. I heard the ruffle of his sheets for a few seconds before he popped his head down to look at me, letting himself hang slightly from his bunk.

“I heard you scream. Everything okay?” he inquired, although I figured he was probably too tired to care.

“Oh yeah, just a bad dream,” I told him, not mentioning any details. He didn’t need to know.

I could just make out his face from the dim moonlight shining in. He rubbed his eyes sleepily before shuffling to the ladder. I watched as he climbed down carefully and stumbled to the edge of my bed.

“Wanna, like, talk about it?” he asked with a yawn. Yes.

“No, it’s okay.” I smiled convincingly. “Go back to sleep.” As though he didn’t even hear me, Sauli leaned down and flopped himself onto my bed. I had to quickly move my legs to avoid them being squashed.

“Tell me,” he insisted stubbornly. I thought for a second about how much I should tell him. The last thing I wanted was for him to think I was some deranged psycho who liked to kill for fun. I sighed,guessing I could just tell him about the court side of things. That way, I wouldn’t have to go into the whole getting framed thing.

“Well, every night I’ve been here, I’ve had nightmares about being prosecuted. It’s dumb, and hardly scary. But, I barely sleep because every time I close my eyes, it replays.” I let out a slight laugh, realizing how childish it sounded out loud.

“I know what that’s like,” he replied. Wait, so I wasn’t the only one? “I remember when I first when I first went to jail, I had nightmares for weeks. I thought they would never end, but eventually, they did,” he reassured me. Hey, maybe I wasn’t crazy after all.

“That’s a relief, I guess, knowing it will stop.” I smiled. “Oh hey, you never told me why you joined that gang,” I joked, teasing him. I did want to find out why though, maybe he would actually tell me this time.

Sauli lowered his head, breaking our eye contact like he was ashamed or something.

“At my old prison, I guess I was kind of like the loser that everyone hated. Some, ah... Some stuff happened and the officers decided it wasn’t safe for me to stay.” Wasn’t safe for whom, I wondered. “Anyway, I got moved here. It was a new start for me, and I couldn’t bear being the victim anymore, so I joined that gang. They will at least give me some security.” What could have been so bad at his last prison to make him feel so strongly? Sauli spoke before I had time to ask.

“And hey, I’m sorry about starting that fight the other day,” he said. I looked at him, confused. “It was the only thing I could think of to stop the whole gang from going after you. It wasn’t one of my best ideas, but you didn’t deserve it for just looking at them wrong.” I had really not expected him to say that... Maybe he wasn’t as confident and stereotypical as I had first thought.

“What if they make you do something you don’t want to? The gang, I mean,” I asked, concerned.

“I’ll do what I have to,” he replied coldly. “I just can’t go back to living every day in fear.”

“I get it. I was like that in high school. But hey, that point in our lives is over now.”

I looked over at my clock, smiling when I saw the time. It was already five-thirty A.M. We had been talking for hours. It was actually really nice not being alone at this time of the morning; the company was a lot better than sitting by myself writing depressing songs.

“So, what about you? What’s your story?” he questioned and I sighed. I really didn’t want to go into that.

“Um... In short, I was framed for murder. But I might as well have done it since I’m stuck in here anyway.” I looked down at my hands, embarrassed. “I don’t really wanna talk about it though,” I said almost shyly. Touchy subject and all... I glanced up and saw Sauli nod.

“When I was younger, I got in with the ‘wrong’ crowd,” he began, changing the subject. Why was he opening up to me all of a sudden? A few hours ago, we couldn’t stand each other.  “I started selling cocaine so I could make a living, and I was caught eventually. It was my own stupid fault, so now I have to pay for it.” At least he wasn’t a psycho.

“So... Where are you from?” I asked, keeping our conversation alive. I had never been good at making friends, never knowing the right thing to say. I just hoped Sauli was more accepting than other people I’d met in the past.

“Finland!” he exclaimed proudly. “I have lived there up until a few years ago, when I moved to LA,” he told me.

“Oh, that explains your accent.” I laughed. I thought he sounded European.

Sauli smiled shyly. “Um, tell me about yourself. Since we’re gonna be stuck here together, I wanna know if we have anything in common!” He had a good point. It would really suck if we hated each other’s hobbies.

“Well,” I began to think. “I love music. Before I got... put in here, all I did was sing. I guess I’ll have to give that dream up though, now that I’m a criminal,” I told him sadly.

“Aw, I know what that feels like. I had always dreamed of being on TV, being a big star, a well-known name. Look how that turned out.” He let out a small laugh before sighing.

 

I glanced out of the small cell window as sunlight began to seep through the darkness. Night was slowly slipping away. Sauli and I had been talking for what seemed like forever. He was just easy to talk to, a good listener.

“Adduuum,” I heard Sauli begin. “Would you, um, could I hear you sing?” I turned my head to face him, wondering if I should sing or not. “Pleeeeaaassee?” he begged, a hopeful expression drawn on his face. I rolled my eyes with a laugh, giving in. “Yeah, okay.” A wide smile lit up on his face, brightening up our darkened cell.

I paused, trying to think of a song, and one quickly came to mind. I closed my eyes, quietly humming the melody under my breath. I felt it as it flowed through me, and everything else around me began to disappear. Slowly, my humming got louder.

 

_“All around me are familiar faces, worn out places, worn out faces._

_Bright and early for the daily races, going nowhere, going nowhere.”_

 

I sang softly and peacefully, melting into the words.

 

_“Their tears are filling up their glasses, no expression, no expression._

Hide my head; I wanna drown my sorrow, no tomorrow, no tomorrow.”

 

I began to sing louder, feeling the emotion.

 

_“And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad._

_The dreams in which I’m dying are the best I’ve ever had._

_I find it hard to tell you. I find it hard to take. When people run in circles, it’s a very, very...”_

My voice softened as I gave myself to the song completely.

 

_“Mad world…”_

 

I smiled, slowly coming back to reality, and raised my head to see Sauli. As our gazes met, I noticed the tears welling in his electric blue eyes, making them sparkle even more, and his mouth was slightly open. He looked, completely stunned.

“Oh my god! That was amazing! Your voice... It just... I’m speechless!” Sauli looked at me bewildered. I chuckled at him. This was the reaction I was usually met with.

“You seem almost surprised,” I told him, but he shook his head frantically.

“No! I just, I’ve never heard anybody sing so... emotionally.” He smiled while wiping his damp eyes.

I laughed again, feeling something strange in the pit of my stomach. It was barely noticeable and I had to stop for a second to make sure I wasn’t imagining it. It was so unusual, but familiar. For the first time in what seemed like forever, I felt happiness.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments/Kudos? :)


	6. Friends

The sun was a beacon of joy in the sky, warming the entire courtyard. It was such a nice change from the dim artificial lighting I was continuously exposed to. My eyes wandered across my surroundings, watching the many prisoners that occupied the courtyard.

Today was like any other day here: completely boring. It was as if time somehow ran slower here, drawing itself out as much as possible. You know that saying, “Time flies when you’re having fun”? Yeah, well, the opposite of that was also true and I was experiencing it at full force.

I began running through things I could do to keep myself entertained in my head before finding reasons why every single idea wouldn’t work. Suddenly breaking out into song, or dancing like an idiot probably weren’t the best things to do, Adam. Although, it would be pretty amusing to see the looks on peoples’ faces... I bet these guys had never seen a gay man dance merrily without fear of them before. Or any man without fear of them, for that matter.

Wow, I really was going insane if I was actually considering doing that.

I was just going to have to sit here doing nothing, like usual. I searched through the many groups of people in here, filtering them away until I spotted the one person my eyes were trying to find. I swear they had a mind of their own sometimes.

Sauli was sitting at a table near the fence opposite me with a large bunch of prisoners who were actually being friendly to him. He really was a people person, a trait I definitely wasn’t used to.

It really surprised me how much we confided in each other earlier today. I was really not the type to open up, especially to an almost complete stranger, but I didn’t know. There was just something about him I trusted. It was like some part of me wanted to get to know him better, especially since we were stuck here together. Call it cliché, but he was the only person in here that made me feel like I wasn’t a complete loser.

Though, as I watched him talking and laughing with the many other people around him, I couldn’t help but feel almost disappointed at the sight. This morning when we were talking and getting along, it felt like we had a connection, like he understood me. But, seeing him act the same towards every single person he met somehow took away from the specialness of it all. I guess he was just treating me the same as everyone else he knew.

I should be grateful he wasn’t being a total jerk like the rest of the ignorant assholes here, but there was a pang of jealousy eating away at me that I couldn’t seem to waver.

It was weird for two people who were completely different, practically opposites, to get along, but he made it possible somehow.

I was the theatre kid, and he was the jock.

That’s just who we were, but I envied his easy way of being liked. I could never be as popular as him; I never knew the right things to say, or do. My awkwardness had always gotten me into trouble, or gotten me picked on. That would probably account for my trust issues, or the fact that I only had a few friends.

I mean, it’s not like I was a social reject or anything. Once people got to know me, they saw the real me, and liked him. It was just the getting to know me part people seemed to avoid.

Everyone always said, “Don’t judge a book by its cover” and all that crap, yet they did it themselves on a daily basis. Hypocrites. I was constantly ashamed to be a human, associating with the many disappointments they have caused.

But, I had learned to not count on people anymore. They always managed to let you down somehow. My “friends” certainly proved that. Most of the very few friends I once had left as soon as they heard I was a serial murder suspect, like the many years of friendship, loyalty, and trust meant nothing to them. The others that stayed longer held out— to my surprise— right through the court dates. Eventually though, they all left me. Tommy was the only one who believed me, and look how that turned out.

__******  
  
**

I was pulled from my depressing thoughts abruptly as I heard a familiar snigger coming from my left. Tearing my gaze from Sauli, I turned my head to face the two men walking towards me. I had the urge to roll my eyes as I recognized them as the prisoners from the other day. Had they seen me watching Sauli? Oh shit...

“Hah! So _The Slasher_ is a faggot. Who knew?!” I flinched slightly at that insult. “Guess he was killing those girls to eliminate his competition.” Why me, universe? Thankfully the rest of the courtyard hadn’t seemed to notice the confrontation that was arising yet, and only one or two scattered souls had turned this way to watch. I hoped it would stay that way, and then this would be over quickly.

The leader turned his head to look at Sauli who was still engrossed in conversation, and then back to me, disgusted.

“That’s your new little cellmate, huh,” he began, I didn’t like where this was going. This stupid fuck was really trying to get on my nerves. “Is he a filthy cock-sucker like you? Or do you have to force him on his knees?” My face morphed instantly to revolt in hearing those words, and they stung like venom. If this asshole thought I would just take that, he was so wrong.

I stood angrily, getting all up in his personal space, and glared at him through my dark fringe. I could smell the disgusting hatred seeping out of him like little beads of sweat. His face was just inches from mine, and I could feel the stomach-turning warmth of his breath as he stared back at me, gaze full of rage.

A low growl hummed its way out of my throat, threatening him like an animal would, but he kept his stance, not backing off from my intimidation. He really did want to fight me.

I began to regret my reaction, remembering the head officer’s promise of consequences. For all I knew, he could have been bluffing. He was probably too lazy to actually carry out any punishment, but I wasn’t going to take that chance. I should have just ignored this loser’s pathetic comments, but bringing Sauli into this? That was fucking low.

I could feel eyes on us, and I no longer heard the loud chatter of prisoners. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see a familiar face watching me. Great, now Sauli was going to see me get my ass kicked too.

I kept my scowl fixed on him for a few more seconds, before shaking my head slightly. This jerk wasn’t worth it. I lowered my eyes, frowning in shame and began to turn to sit back down. Sorry folks, nothing to see here.

He however, had a different idea.

Out of nowhere, a strong, weighty force collided with my face, sending me stumbling sideways. I hurtled to my right, just managing to catch myself on the edge of the table I was sitting at before. That was nothing like the last time he punched me, what the _fuck_.

I peered up at him dizzily, trying to focus my eyes, but my head was still spinning. He was wearing a foul grin like he had just achieved his life’s ambition. I pulled myself onto the bench, blinking a few times. I was completely humiliated. Still shocked, I withdrew my stare, letting him and everyone else that I wasn’t going to fight back. He huffed dramatically and then walked away with his sidekick as though nothing even happened. I was lucky he didn’t go back for more.

I surveyed the courtyard through my furrowed brow, watching as the prisoners went back to whatever the hell they were doing before. It was sad to think that this would be the most exciting event in their day, and they weren’t even involved. My eyes wandered past Sauli, only to be met with his gaze. I looked closely at him, and he was staring right back at me, a saddened expression drawn on his face. Now I was even more embarrassed. He pitied me.

I shook my head at him, and hunched myself over the table while looking away. I really didn’t need him suffering over this too. I snuck another glance at him quickly, and he had turned back to his gang, but instead of talking, he was just sitting there. Was he actually upset about me getting punched? It’s not like he could have stopped it. Nobody could have.

__********  
  
  


I trudged into my cell slowly and found Sauli sitting on my bed. He stood up and looked at me sadly.

“Adam, are you okay?” he came up to me and sighed when he saw the ugly bruise forming on my cheek. “I wanted to help you, but I couldn’t,” he admitted softly while frowning. “It’s just that, the gang. I didn’t want to risk anything and I-”

“Sauli, it’s okay.” I stopped him, it wasn’t his fight. “I don’t need you to fight my battles just because we’re friends.” He wanted to protest, but I continued speaking. “You can’t be seen with me, it’s better that way for both of us,” I told him, not mentioning how people somehow thought there was something going on between us. “We can still be friends, but nobody can know, okay?” I proposed. Sauli looked up at me and nodded happily. I smiled.

I actually had a friend in here. Maybe things could actually start to be okay for once.

_Maybe._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You know what to do!!! (Comment/Kudos if you don't ;D)


	7. Memories

_I sat alone on the classroom deck, safely hidden from the blazing sun that was threatening my fair skin. This was how I spent my lunchtimes. Every single day was the same for me. Squinting, I watched the many groups of kids playing tag out on the field stretching out in front of me. They seemed like they were having a lot of fun... I wished somebody would invite me to play. I had grown used to this; sitting alone while I observed what having friends would be like. To me, it seemed almost strange to think of the possibility of having a friend. My eyes followed a dark haired kid as he ran around kicking a soccer ball. He passed it to his friend with a small tap of his foot, and began to move it down the field, snaking it between a bunch of girls who watched them and giggled. I was unfortunate enough to be born with “bad genes”. I had red hair, more freckles than I could count, and let’s just say I wasn’t the most athletic boy here. I gave soccer a go because my parents thought I should at least try it, but I was too self- conscious to play properly. The few times I did try resulted in me missing the ball, or kicking it and then falling flat on my ass. I gave up that hobby after one week._

_I didn’t understand why looks mattered so much to everyone. It’s not like I could change my hair or hide my freckles, so why didn’t people accept me? I would give anything to look like that boy playing soccer, with dark hair, perfect skin, and a real talent for something._

_I only had a few weeks left of middle school and then I would finally be free from the worst three years of my life. Until high school, that was._

_**** _

_*****_

_**** _

_I had arrived early on my first day, which was probably a good thing; it gave me enough time to figure out how to navigate my way around this place. I stared in confusion at the map in my hand, turning it around a couple of times until I managed to find where I was. It was even bigger here than my middle school, and I felt like a small, insignificant bird without wings. I tried to mask my fear as a group of seniors walked past, but they took one look at me before laughing. I wasn't very good at acting._

_I eventually found my first class with one minute to spare. I hadn't even bothered to check what subject it was, but as I walked in and saw the many posters of classic rock bands, I knew instantly._

_Music._

_I smiled slightly and seated myself at one of the front desks, eager to be taught. There was only one thing in the world I was passionate about, that I loved and couldn't live without, and that was music. I had managed to convince my mom to get me singing lessons, and she jumped at the idea. “Hobbies are healthy” I heard her tease in my mind. As the class began to fill with students, I began to smile. Maybe high school wouldn’t be as bad as I thought. It was a fresh start here with new people, and new possibilities. I could forget about middle school and finally start being me. Whoever that was._

_**** _

_*****_

_**** _

_I watched the crowds students as they went about their lives brainlessly. Some rushed, eager to get to class early, and others walked casually, not doing anything in particular. Then, there was me. Call it creepy, but I had always loved watching people as they went through their daily routines. It really interested me to see how others lived, and made me feel almost normal to think I acted the same as them. I looked at my watch, happy to find I still had 5 minutes before class, and I glanced back up. I began to watch a group of students as they started to walk my way. As they got closer, I saw a blond happily chatting to his friends. I frowned slightly as a twinge in my stomach ate away at me. I pushed it away hoping it would disappear. I always knew I was different, but as I got to middle school, I began to figure out why. While all the guys in my classes started aiming to impress girls, and started dating them, I couldn't help but realize my lack of attraction to them. That was when I began to think that maybe I liked boys instead. I could never tell anyone my secret though; I would be even more ostracized and hated than in middle school. No, nobody could ever know._

_**** _

_*****_

_**** _

_I held the final note with ease before letting it slowly disappear into nothing. There was silence for maybe half a second, but that was soon drowned out by the roar of cheers. I watched the crowd go crazy. Students, parents and teachers all cheered for me. I took it all in before bowing and strutting off stage. Everybody at school had heard me sing before, but not like that. I didn't think I'd even heard myself sing like that. The weeks of practice and preparation for this talent show had really paid off. The other acts didn't even compare to me. I grinned widely as I was greeted by my friends who pulled me into a group hug. I wasn't considered popular, but I had a few friends, which I was extremely grateful for. We had all met in drama class, freshman year, and instantly became friends. I swear, I could count on them for anything._

_**** _

_*****_

_**** _

I tossed in my bed as I awoke from my daydream. A slight grin had appeared on my face as the memories of high school came back to me, I had a lot of great times and a lot of great friends. So how did I end up here, with nothing? Only a year ago I was living my dreams. I was doing demos in real-life recording studios, partying with my friends, meeting guys. I had it all, and now, here I was.

I turned my head slightly, my eyes wandering to the cell door, and as if on cue, a guard appeared on the other side. I heard the clinking of his keys and the door flung open. I slid off the bed in a huff and walked toward him so our gazes met.

"One-eight-seven-seven?” he began, and I nodded, acknowledging my 'name'. "The head officer wants to speak with you immediately." I frowned in annoyance, wondering what I did wrong this time. Since when was breathing a crime? Still confused, I obliged, following the guard’s orders and he escorted me to the familiar office.

I entered the dull room, not knowing what to expect. As I looked forward, I saw the head officer. He wore a grim look on his face as he realized I had arrived. I made my way to a chair, sat down, and looked up at him. Why was I even there? I had done nothing wrong. Just then, a thought sprouted in my mind. What if that jerk from the courtyard made up some shit about me...

"Look, whatever happened, it wasn't me," I told him, letting him know I was innocent for whatever reason he had against me.

The officer looked down at some sheets of paper on his desk and mumbled something while shaking his head. I sat there waiting for him to say something, and eventually he did.

"Adam," he used my name? This must be serious... "I have some... bad news." I frowned, completely confused. So I wasn't in trouble. Good. Thoughts trailed through my mind of what he could be talking about,and they all seemed to lead back to one thing.

Sauli.

That had to be it, right? I hadn't seen him since this morning, which was nine hours ago. Anything could have happened since then. The thought of him getting into a fight, or getting hurt made my stomach churn, and as I looked down at my hands, I realized I was shaking. I wanted to ask if he was okay. The suspense of not knowing was burning a fire in my head. I needed to know if he was alright. It only took me a moment to realize the head officer had begun to talk again.

"...really not easy to tell you this…” I focused on his words. What had happened to Sauli? What if his gang found out we were friends? Why the hell was the officer taking so long? "Lambert, it's your mom." I blinked a few times, trying to follow what he was talking about. My mom? What could have...? Oh my god. No...

"I'm truly sorry, she passed away this morning."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um... Don't kill me? x) Comment/Kudos instead! ;)


	8. Loss

Was this happening? I felt my heart stammer as it began beating out of rhythm. No. It couldn't be. My vision was blurred as I stared at the head officer, tears welling in my eyes. I shook my head slowly, trying to dismiss everything I heard. This was all just a nightmare, I told myself. It had to be. I caught a disarray of words coming from the officer, but I could only understand fragments. 

"...wrongly diagnosed..." But, she was fine. Tommy said she was fine. "... nothing they could do..." My head was spinning and I had to clutch the sides of my chair to steady myself. It took a moment for me to clear my head enough to realize that I was about to break down in front of the head officer, in the middle of a prison. Anybody could walk in and see. I squeezed my eyes shut, letting the moisture building on them fall, before standing up from my chair. I wiped my cheek with my sleeve and shook my head. 

"I'll, um... I'll go back to my cell..." I managed to get out quietly. My voice was less shaky than I thought it would be; I guess I could thank my vocal training for that. The officer nodded and I turned on my heel, ready to get out of there, which only made my head spin more. I couldn't help but sniff a couple of times as I was escorted back. I doubted the guard cared though. I had a pretty valid reason. 

My head was hung as I got closer to my cell, and part of me didn't want to go back there. I knew that once I was there, I would be alone with my thoughts and I would have to accept the truth. My eyes were burning as tears tried to escape, but I wouldn't let them, especially not while I was out in the open like this where anybody could walk past. 

As we reached my cell, the guard opened the door and patted me on the back out of pity. Yeah, because that was going to make me feel better. I felt a tear slip from the corner of my eye and I cursed silently, hiding my face behind my fringe. I dragged my feet as I entered the cell, feeling another tear make its way out. I sniffed loudly as another followed. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Sauli pop his head out from his bunk. He looked at me and smiled, but once he noticed my expression, his face fell. 

"Adam, what's wrong?" he asked as he began to climb down. I opened my mouth, trying to think of what to say, but nothing came out. I didn't think I could say it out loud. I couldn't hold the tears in anymore, and as I blinked, they began to stream out. 

I couldn't do this. 

My legs crumbled underneath me, and I felt myself getting closer to the ground. Instead of hitting it though, I was caught. I let out a sob as a pair of arms wrapped around me, holding me while I began to break down. I started to shake my head, embarrassed, and awkwardly curled into a ball. Sauli pulled me closer and rested my head on his chest. He quietly lulled, but I could barely hear him over my cries. 

"Hey, shhh. It's okay," Sauli breathed, trying to calm me down. I knew I would have to tell him, but I didn't know if I could. 

"M-m-my mom," I stuttered, my face now wet. Sauli stroked my back waiting for me to continue, but I could barely get it out. "Sh- she's dead." My heart lurched, and I buried my head in Sauli’s shirt, trying to hide from reality.

"Shh, it will be okay, Adam," he cooed as I shook in his arms. I soon found myself beginning to breathe easier as my heart slowed down. I blinked a few times, letting one or two more tears fall before wiping my cheeks with my sleeve. I looked up at Sauli, who was trying his best to cradle me as we sat uncomfortably on the concrete floor.   
Feeling my leg beginning to go numb, I re-positioned myself, sighing at the release of pressure, and Sauli took the opportunity to put his legs underneath me, seating me on his lap. I wanted to apologize to him since this was probably more than awkward for him, but I just didn't have the energy. I would have thought I would be done crying by now, yet I couldn't seem to stop.

I didn't know how long I sat there in Sauli’s arms, completely numb to the world, but every now and then I would hear him sigh. I opened my eyes and saw the room in a dim haze. Was it already night time? We must have been sitting there for hours. 

"Shit. I'm sorry," I croaked out as looked around. “How long have we been here for?" I pushed myself off Sauli, groaning as I moved stiffly. 

"Four hours I think," he told me and stood up while stretching. I began to follow, but my legs had other ideas. I swear they were absolutely useless. Sauli jumped to my side and helped me up. 

"Come on.” He smiled at me, “Your bed will be more comfy." I nodded gratefully, not wanting to argue. 

"You don't have to stay with me." I sat down on the edge of my bed, feeling my cheeks go red... I was sure the last thing he wanted was to lie down with another man. 

"No Adam, it’s okay." Sauli rubbed my shoulder before sitting next to me. "I'm not going to leave you when you're so upset," he reassured. I looked down at my lap, nodded, and crawled further onto the bed, resting my head on my pillow. Sauli followed, pulling me into his arms. 

"It'll be alright," he whispered. I battled my emotions as they tried to reappear, not wanting to ruin this moment in Sauli’s embrace. He was a great guy; not many people would actually care like this, especially about me. He was the one person making this bearable. 

I could hear his steady heart beat faintly, and the soothing, repetitive thuds were like music. My eyes were closed as I listened to the sound, and it began to lull me to sleep. Soon enough, I felt myself slipping in and out of dreams, no longer sure what was real. I saw my mom smiling at me happily before entering our favorite restaurant. Dream. I smelled the chemicals of washing powder on Sauli’s clothing as I nuzzled against him. Reality. A crowd of thousands chanted my name as I appeared on stage, ready to perform. Dream. I felt a soft kiss planted on my forehead, warming my entire body, before a blanket was lifted onto me. Reality?


	9. Fear

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Pretty happy with this chapter. It's like 3000 words which is long for me!! So um yeah, enjoy. :)

I stared up at the old metal rungs that held Sauli’s bed above mine. Mindlessly, I reached up and began chipping at the rust, watching as the little flakes of the copper-looking crust fell down onto my shirt. I wiped them away, annoyed, and turned onto my side. Every day as I sat alone in my cell, I closed my eyes and pretended I was somewhere else. I was relaxing on a beach in Tahiti or performing legendary songs on a stage in England. For a few moments, it worked, and I was blissfully unaware of where I _actually_ was. This morning though, that didn’t happen. Instead, every time I closed my eyes, I was met with my mother’s face, and out of all the memories my mind could have chosen, it picked the one that always broke my heart. The day of my hearing when the jury came to a verdict, I remembered looking at my mom and seeing her expression. That look was a mixture of shame and disappointment, and the cause of that? Me.

My mom died thinking I killed people, thinking I was a monster, and now nothing could change that. I really hurt her.

Maybe it was my fault. Maybe her death was because of me... All that pain and stress I caused, maybe it brought back the cancer. I mean, that could happen, right? I guess I could add one more person to my list of ‘victims’.

_The Slasher strikes again._

“No,” I whispered to myself, and frowned when I realized that it was out loud.I was not The Slasher, and one day I would prove that to everyone. I had to.

I groaned, rubbing my face with my hands. I really needed to stop this over-thinking nonsense. It was driving me insane.

  
  


I stared at the wall in front of me and breathed heavily, counting down the minutes until I could go to sleep again. I could barely tell the days apart lately; they seemed to mold together into one big blur. I figured it was probably a result of the mundane routine I constantly lived in: wake up, eat, sit in cell, eat, sit alone in courtyard, eat, sit in cell, and sleep. My once adventurous, excitement-filled life had now become tedious and drab, and all of the ‘thinking time’ I had spent in my cell was really getting to me. With nothing but my own thoughts to entertain me, my mind was becoming a dark place. I needed something to keep me busy, something to stop me from _thinking_ , but I had always told myself I wouldn’t take any of the jobs available throughout the prison. My first day here, I’d quickly realized those were the lowest of lows, especially if you didn’t have any connections, or acquaintances, which I didn’t. Besides, I really couldn’t see myself doing any of them. The helping with the exterior cleaning and gardening was often done by the more ‘masculine’ prisoners, and I had no upper body strength. I knew Sauli would be the type to do that job, even though he was quite small, he was clearly strong. Sure enough, within a few days, he had joined. It was mainly to stay close with the other gang members, he’d told me, but I could tell he actually enjoyed the work too. That wasn’t my scene at all though. I definitely wasn’t going to be caught doing janitorial work like cleaning the showers and toilets anytime soon either because, well, no.

The only thing I would ever think of considering would be preparing the prisoners meals for breakfast, lunch, or dinner. The early starts for breakfast weren’t a problem at all for me. In fact, it would probably be better than sitting in bed doing nothing. I had only seen what happened in the kitchens from the view in the cafeteria, but it didn’t seem completely bad. It was hidden enough from most of the tables, so I would only really be seen if I was at the front serving people, which was good because I really didn’t need _another_ excuse to be singled out. Although, the thought of being around the substances known here as food made my stomach churn in disgust. I could barely eat the stuff, let alone prepare it. It would be better than nothing though... All I knew was that if I had to spend any more time alone to think about how depressing my life was, I would lose it completely.

  
  


I heard a repetitive speaker sounding, reminding everyone it was time for lunch, and I sighed deeply, not really wanting to bother getting up. I hoped I would see Sauli at the cafeteria though. He had left pretty early this morning, probably to get out to the courtyard for whatever he was rostered on to do, but because of that, I didn’t get any time to properly thank him and apologize for last night. I didn’t really know what to say; the whole night had been a confusing mess. I had decided not to ask him about the whole kiss thing though because I could barely tell if it was real or not. Maybe I had just imagined it, or dreamed it up. Yeah, I didn’t think telling my straight prison cellmate that I had a dream he kissed me on the forehead would be a great idea.

I rolled off my bed in a huff and waited by the cell door until it was opened. When it eventually was, I began walking down the now familiar halls that were filled with the crowd of prisoners. Although there were officers sanctioned throughout the corridors that made sure no fights started, this part of the day still made me jumpy and paranoid. I was standing amongst what seemed like hundreds of criminals who were all probably filled with anger and looking for someone to take it out on. I shuffled sideways so I could stand near the wall as I walked; this usually gave me more room and less chance of bumping into someone.

I made it to the cafeteria safely, only to see that once again I was pretty much at the end of the line. It was probably because the ward my cell was in was furthest away from here. I figured if I bothered waiting until I got to the front, I would end up having that foul slop again which really wasn’t worth it. So instead, I left the line and found an empty table. I sat down and observed the prisoners as they got their lunches. By the looks on their faces, I was definitely not the only one who didn’t love the food here. I saw Sauli as he stood in line waiting with some other guys. He looked around the cafeteria while stepping forward as the line moved, saw me, and smiled. I quickly returned a smile before my paranoia kicked in and then glanced around to make sure nobody saw. When I turned back, Sauli was at the front of the line and no longer looking my way. Probably for the best, I supposed.

As the tables quickly began filling, I was glad I got one before they were all gone. There’s nothing more embarrassing than having no place to sit at lunch. God, this place really was a lot like high school. Except here, people _killed_ to get to the “popular table”. Like high school, I didn’t understand why people wanted to be anyway. I mean, at school I guess it would have been nice to have a lot of friends, but all you would ever hear about was the popular kids’ dramas, girls fighting over a guy and so on. Here, the drama also came with the gangs, and they were definitely not people you wanted to be involved with if shit went down. So why did Sauli even want to know them? His mind was really a mystery to me.

  
  


Every time I looked at the prisoners who walked past me, I was met with a glare, which made me rethink sitting at a table by myself. There were 4 more empty seats at this table which I doubted anyone would sit at while I was here, and that meant every man who wasn’t getting a place to sit, wanted me to leave. I was sure they would find a way to make me. Whoever said fully grown men were mature was lying. I was just about to stand up and let whoever wanted to sit down, but before I could, a deafening alarm began to ring throughout the prison. This alarm had only gone off one time since I had been here, and it was traumatic to say the least. A voice cut through the alarm, informing everyone what had happened.

“There has been an attempted prison break. All prisoners must return to their cells immediately.” The first time this had happened, I’d been beyond scared. The entire prison had been cheering, and the over excitement was so palpable that it’d almost caused a riot. Apparently it had been one of the main gang members at the time. He didn’t end up escaping, and he was sent to a higher security prison. I stood from my table and moved towards the doors. I wanted to try and get away from the crowds as quickly as possible, but it soon became clear that wasn’t going to happen. By the time I had exited the cafeteria and was in the corridor, I was surrounded by people. Great. I turned around and squeezed past the men, trying making my way back to the cafeteria, but they had already closed the doors off. As I turned back around I suddenly felt claustrophobic, like there wasn’t enough air for me to breathe in. I found a wall and tried to keep moving against it, getting elbowed and pushed in the process, until I found the refuge of an open hallway leading to the men’s’ bathroom. I quickly began to dart down it, breathing a quiet sigh of relief as the tightness in my chest disappeared. It was thankfully a lot quieter in here, the only sounds being made were my footsteps against the hard floor. Every now and then, the fluorescent lights above me would flicker, which only added to the eeriness of this corridor. I began to remember why I never came down here, and I almost wanted to rejoin the insane crowd because that would be less daunting. This restroom had been unnerving from the first time I’d been in it. I continued walking forward though, realizing that I did actually need to use the bathroom anyway. I came to the small white tiled room, but immediately found I wasn’t alone. There were two men who were clearly not happy. Had I walked in on something?

I stood still, my feet annoyingly planted on the floor, I wanted to run, or hide, but my mind froze. I watched in horror as one of the main gang members- Eddie, I thought his name was- stood at the other side of the room, towering over another prisoner who was cowering in his presence. I didn’t think either one of them knew I was even standing there; they were too wrapped up in whatever was about to happen. So why didn’t I run? I could have gotten out of there without them even knowing, but no. Instead, my stubborn legs refused to move. I could see Eddie was grabbing the other man by his collar, holding him against the wall as he begged to be released. His face was so filled with fear, that it took me a few seconds to realize a shine coming from Eddie’s hand. My gaze fixed on the smooth metal knife he was holding, suddenly aware of what was happening. The small man struggled violently, trying to get away from Eddie, but I knew he wouldn’t succeed. He was tiny compared to the large, menacing gang member.

I stepped backwards, trying to get away as Eddie brought his hand back slightly before using all of his strength to stab the man in his gut. A cry escaped his mouth, which was casually muffled by Eddie’s oversized hand. My gaze was fixed on the poor man as I continued to back away, only stopping when my back collided with a wall. I covered my mouth with my hand, eyes wide, watching as Eddie pulled the knife out of the small man, blood slowly gushing between them. He let go of his grip and the man fell to the floor, clutching his stomach, clearly in agony. I looked up at the evil gleam of Eddie’s smile as he watched the man suffer, like he was admiring his work. All of a sudden, his face slowly turned, spotting me against the wall. His grin widened and he turned to face me completely, eyeing me up like I was his dinner. My eyes darted from his, to the prisoner on the floor, who was now silent and immobile. _Shit._

Eddie inched his way towards me, still carrying the knife that was now dripping blood. My vision went blurry, which only added to the uneasy feeling in my stomach.

He was going to kill me. I was going to die in here.

You know, when people in films knew they were going to face death, they’d fight for their life. Well, as it turned out, my first instinct was to beg for mine. I threw a shaky hand in front of me as I backed into the corner of the restroom, trying to keep him away, but he continued to come closer. He was in front of me in no time, and batted my hand away like it was an annoying fly hovering around him. He grabbed my throat harshly, his cold fingers wrapping around my neck, and I began to struggle in his grip as I was forced against the wall. I tried to pull at his wrist in the hope of pulling him off me, but I knew it wouldn’t work.

“Please,” I muttered frantically. “I won’t tell anyone!” He laughed like I was telling a joke before his expression turned harsh, his intense eyes burning into mine. His hand tightened momentarily around my neck, causing me to make a strange squeaking sound, but then it loosened, and he released me. I rubbed my neck thankfully and caught my breath, then looked back up at him. We held eye contact for less than a second before I felt him punch my stomach violently. The impact left me winded as I kneeled on the ground, trying to breathe. He looked at me smugly before walking towards the exit.

I groaned in pain, although I was beyond thankful he’d used his fist, not his knife. Out of the corner of my eye, I remembered the scared man who wasn’t as lucky as me. I looked over at him, and he was now limp and pale. I stood with a grimace and began to run over to see him, carefully avoiding the large blood pool that was forming on the ground. The dark red looked almost artistic against the contrast of the dirty white tiles, but the fact that it was blood made me want to vomit. I got closer, trying to see if there was _any_ possibility he could still be alive. I bent down, reaching for his shoulder to turn him so I could see his face, but immediately froze, not quite touching him yet. If I did, my fingerprints or DNA or whatever would be on him, wouldn’t it?

“Fuck!” I couldn’t just let him lay there if he was alive, but there was no way I was going to risk getting blamed for this. I spun on my heel in anger, pounding my fist against the sink bench beside me, and dropped myself down against it. What the fuck was I supposed to do? I lifted my head and turned it to look at him, and the realization hit me- there was no way he could still be alive. I grinded my teeth together before standing back up and walked towards the exit. I couldn’t help him now.

On my way out, I walked passed a janitor’s bucket and mop that was set next to a bunch of cleaning supplies. That man was here doing work. Yup, that’s one more reason why I wasn’t going to be cleaning things any time soon. I shook my head in disgust at Eddie. I may not have known his reasons for killing this guy, but there was no way anybody deserved that. Nobody deserved to die here in a scummy prison restroom where there would probably be no investigation or justice.

What made all of it worse was the fact that Sauli hung out with them. Who knows what they would have one day made him do, or what he would have _wanted_ to do after being influenced by them. Eventually, they would probably turn him into a vicious, cold-hearted murderer, just like the rest of him, but I had to try and make sure that wouldn’t happen.

I found the tail-end of the crowd as I exited the restroom corridor. I didn’t know if somehow the prisoners here could sense a difference in me, or if it was just because I was near the back, but people no longer tried to push past me or shove me while I was walking. I was clearly not in the mood, and maybe my aura mirrored that, but everyone had for some reason given me room to breathe. I was back at my cell in no time, and just like usual, Sauli popped his head out from his bunk. He smiled at me, but I just really couldn’t be bothered. I slumped down onto my bed and sat there in silence. The storm in my stomach didn’t settle one bit and all I wanted to do was yell. I was such a coward for just having stood there watching, but what could I have done? I had a feeling I would eventually end up seeing somebody dead in here. I had never seen a dead body before, let alone seen anybody die in front of me. But somehow, I didn’t feel sad or scared. Seeing that harmless guy, despite being a criminal, get brutally murdered in front of my eyes only made me angrier. Angry at the world, at this place, at these people who I didn’t belong with at all. I was going to find justice. If not for him, then for myself. That, I was certain of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kudos/Comments/Reviews! <3


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